Speed Dating is for Losers
by starbuckjade
Summary: Why oh why did I let Maura drag me into this...


**Author's Note: Tell me you have all seen the promo. The Rizziles, season 2, promo #4 - the "I can't believe you two think you're straight" promo. If you haven't go watch it now. I'll wait. Okay, you're back? Good. So in response to that lovely promo I just had to write this. It's a little different then my normal writing style but still good, I think. I even put off doing dishes and sleeping for it. Yes ladies, I'm dedicated when I want to be. :) Keys chapter...uh what am I on, 8? Is coming. I've only been able to write it backwards for some reason, so I know the ending but not the beginning. Which is just odd for me. Anyway, enjoy. Oh! And if your name is Humphrey, or you're really close with someone with that name...I apologize in advance for Jane's behavior. :D**

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><p>Why oh why did I let Maura drag me into this. Speed dating...really? Fuck.<p>

This is a new kind of torture. After only 15 minutes I've come to the conclusion that speed dating is the tenth circle of hell. But the devil is smart you see: he lures you in with promises of finding your soul mate in only one three hour session. As if that were possible. But I know what you're thinking, 'It couldn't possibly be that bad, could it?' It is. You know what makes torture worse? The knowledge that you're paying for it!

At least the drinks are free and boy am I taking advantage of that.

Maura of course had gone on and on that statistically our odds of finding a suitable mate increase with every date we go on. Quantity over quality, how romantic. But it wasn't her explaining how speed dating was more efficient or that it could be fun that got me. No, what really killed me was Maura saying 'please' in that heartfelt adorable way that she does...I just couldn't say no. It's kind of pathetic really, just one little word from her and I'm lost. 'Please' is just a girly word too...

So I came to stupid ridiculous moronic speed dating. Just like she asked. It's three hours of hell, served in 5 minute spoonfuls. Thank you so much Doctor Isles. My only real consolation is that Maura is striking out more spectacularly than I am.

**Round 1** - I started off strong, with my first date...Chuck, who upon hearing that I was a detective immediately asked if I had my hand cuffs with me. Nice Chuck, very original. But Maura decided to throw out that classic romantic line, "You know the fascinating thing about rigor mortis?" Shabow! See yah. Her date was gone in a flash. I have to admit the pout she sent in my direction afterward was utterly adorable though.

**Round 2** – I get a sob story about my date, Larry being indicted on two counts of fraud. Apparently he honestly didn't mean to screw his grandmother and all her friends out of their hard earned pennies. Oh yah folks, it's love. I almost wish I had a tissue to give him. Almost. Maura is having problems of her own though. After finding out she's a doctor, her date suggests that they go back to his place so she can "examine him". Casanova he is not, especially not with my girl. She responds in typical Maura-like fashion, "You need to be legally dead before I can examine you." She looks fairly disgusted with him as she hits the buzzer. I'm tempted to lean over and whisper that I wish some of my dates ended that way. You know, with them being dead. But I know she would take it literally, and ask me if I have some new proclivity for necrophilia. Yah I said it, proclivity. I know big words too.

**Round 3** – I get lucky and no one sits down in front of me. I'd like to blame it on the menacing glare that I'm shooting any guy that gets close with. But it could be that my next potential Romeo is just in the john. So I knock back my second...or is it third beer of the night and take in the entertainment at the next table over. Maura and her date are exchanging occupations and pleasantries. I watch him lean in and whisper something to her that has her immediately reaching for the buzzer, the same buzzer that his hand is currently blocking. She crosses her arms over her chest and tells him point blank, "I can't write you a prescription." I can tell she's getting pissed by the way her head is bobbing slightly with every word she forces out. She even says 'Ding' and still he doesn't move on.

It's right about then that I decide 'Fuck Speed Dating'. I rise from my chair, just in time to save myself from another stellar five minutes of my life that I will never get back. My new date asks where I'm going and I simply answer truthfully, "Away from you."

I stand over Maura's date and casually tell him, "Get out." I even happen to let my blazer drape in such a way as to show off my gun. I promised Maura I wouldn't bring it, but I lied. Thankfully, when my favorite medical examiner stares up at me, I'm happy to see only relief on her face.

Her date doesn't share the sentiment though. He decides to try some macho bullshit, "You wouldn't really shoot me."

I know he's trying to call my silent bluff; but it's not going to work. "No. But I'm not above pistol whipping you for the fun of it." I even give him a grim smile as I deliver the line. The asshole moves so fast he knocks the buzzer flying to the ground. Maura bends to retrieve it and when she rights herself she's treated to one of my better shit eating grins. K.O. for Jane.

She chuckles softly as she smiles at me, "You really didn't need to do that, Jane."

"Yah I did." I respond as I finish off her glass of wine. It's fruity and nice...but what I really want is another beer. As I glance over at my table I realize why I left it. 'Humphrey' my next potential date is still sitting there, mooning over me with puppy dog eyes. And who names their kid Humphrey anyway?

Silence reins between us for a few moments until I blurt something out, in the way that only inebriated people can make seem casual. "Can't you just grow a penis? You're way less irritating than all the men I've dated tonight. You smell better too."

I can tell I've shocked her because of the way her eyes widened. I've shocked me too, and apparently Humphrey who spilled half his martini over my table. Damn...and why if you're named something stupid like Humphrey do you make it worse by drinking girly drinks like martinis? Grow a set and drink a draft like everyone else.

Maura finally decides to answer the question. Even though I'm sure I meant it to be rhetorical...but I doubt _brainiac_ across from me knows what that word means. The look in her eyes is...odd as she replies, "I suppose I could wear a prosthetic phallus." She frowns a little as she says the word, 'phallus' as if even just having the word in her mouth feels wrong.

Neither of us knows what to say at this point. Things got awkward fast. I am thankful that Humphrey's spit-take managed to take out the table on the other side of him and not ours. The last thing I need as is a hangover AND Maura's dry cleaning bill.

I sigh and nudge the buzzer closer to her with the tips of my fingers. I figure she can just hit it, send me away and replace me with another less awkward date. Instead she takes my hand in her own and starts rubbing her thumb over my scar in this soft circular motion. I love when she does that. Like I really REALLY love it. If I was a cat I would be purring and rubbing myself all over her. If I was a dog my tail would be thumping excitedly against my chair. But I'm human and all I really want to do is tell her I love her and that she's never allowed to stop doing that. Instead I blurt out my second revelation of the night, albeit in whisper format, "I think I could date you without the penis." I can't explain or describe the look she gives me after that one. But when she tugs me up from the table towards the door, I follow willingly. Really, I'd follow her anywhere. I decide right then and there that maybe dating my best friend isn't the worst idea I've ever had. She takes care of me, puts up with my shit and my dog loves her. Plus she's kinda hot.

So maybe speed dating isn't hell spawn...exactly. And maybe I did find my soul mate in less than three hours. I'd still never do it again. I doubt I'd be invited back anyway, because I totally stuck my tongue out at every guy in the place as I left with Maura. Because I got the most beautiful woman in the room and they all know it. That's right, Jane Rizzoli heavy weight champion of speed dating, accept no substitutions.


End file.
